Kindness 101: Nobody Matters But You

March 2, 2015, was an eye-opening day in my life. It was the day I tragically ran out of Tinder likes.

Tinder is a mobile dating app granting users to like up to 100 profiles every 12 hours in hopes of making a “match” where both parties can message one another. When my likes suddenly vanished that day, my initial reaction was, “Whaaaaat? Man, this is some BS. Why’d I get cut off? I didn’t even say anything that weird.” Immediately after, I realized, “Jesús Cristo! What am I doing? How long have I been on this app? I’m glad Tinder finally cut me off. This is kinda sad.”

I couldn’t swipe right, I couldn’t offer another compliment to compensate for my own insecurities, and I couldn’t waste any more time seeking the meaningless pleasure of a match made in cyberspace. In blogger Mark Manson’s words, I ran out of f*cks to give.

What started with frustration soon became a refreshing refrain from my addiction to self-affirming messages from others—and an itsy-bitsy, baby spider step toward self-awareness. But, unfortunately, no other spider-related superpowers.

Tinder didn’t benefit my life. It was just another example of me focusing on the wrong things because society told me to. Like many of us, I can be a spineless sheep that follows any trend popular culture jams down our throats. On Tinder, instead of being true to myself and waiting for the right person to embrace the real me, I was being nice to everyone—and weird to others because I’m just generally quite weird. I just wanted everyone to like me.

I was a chameleon constantly redefining who I was in hopes of pleasing others. I cared too much about stuff that honestly did not matter to me. Being artificially kind to others was being genuinely rude to myself. I had to learn to stop caring what the world thought of me.

“[G]iving too many f*cks is bad for your mental health,” Manson explains in his New York Times bestseller, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. “It causes you to become overly attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction. The key to a good life is not giving a f*ck about more; it’s giving a f*ck about less, giving a f*ck about only what is true and immediate and important.”

DO LESS

In 2014, highly-esteemed internet troll BasicBB defined “do less” on Urban Dictionary as a phrase used when someone is “doing too damn much, trying too hard, being a little over sincere or enthusiastic.” Basically, you care about something because you think you’re supposed to. But really, nobody cares whether you care. So, sometimes it’s best just not to care. I mean, who cares?

Society convinces us we should care about everyone’s luxurious life on reality TV shows, social media, celebrity magazines (if those still exist), and viral cat memes. Instead of caring about the precious moments in life, we’re absorbed in sharing these moments online for validations once we take our plandid picture. Then, we dive back into our phones to keep up with the Joneses and sulk because their lives appear more splendid than our own. Do you understand the issue, meow?

Always striving for your next positive experience is, in itself, a negative experience. In contrast, simply accepting negative experience—rather than trying to cover it with a puppy dog Snapchat filter—can be a good thing. How often do we say, “I’m miserable right now, but that’s fine. That’s life”? It’s time to accept that it’s OK for things to be “not OK” every now and then. And, it’s fine—and better—not to care about everything.

GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE

My takeaway message is not to stop caring in life. Rather, to only care about what’s important to you. Author Sarah Knight offers the “Not Sorry Method,” a two-step process for decluttering your mind. Step one is to decide what you don’t care about, and step two is to stop giving your time, energy, and money to those things. You’re not being  rude, you’re simply looking out for your own interests instead of neglecting what you actually care about. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: You don’t have to do things that don’t matter to you. Don’t feel guilty about saying no.

Think I care about people watching me pluck a dilapidated couch from its comfy curbside home and bringing it into my own home? No, I genuinely like collecting treasures from the trash. I care about my hobby (dumpster diving for DIY decorations), not what people think of it (ew, cooties!). So, forget the haters.

Do I care about the “noise” behind me, the people mysteriously wearing tutus by the shore? No, that’s something I prefer to ignore. Ball is life. Nothing more. I’m not judging their flamboyant attire. They’re not judging me for spending the past 11 minutes tying my right shoe.

Of course there are instances where you have to stop and make sacrifices. As much as I enjoy impersonating Richard Nixon and posing for photos in the middle of the street, avoiding a ticket is more important.

As much as I like spending my money on tacos at 2 a.m. and NBA jerseys (that I give to my sister as a gift, but she never wears because she doesn’t care about basketball, and then I eventually reclaim after years of asking her whether she wears her Paul Pierce jersey), saving up to give my flower-loving mom a Mother’s Day gift is a more important use of my money, even if she doesn’t comprehend the message on the balloon.

You’ll never have 100% approval for any bold move you make. Many people shudder when they discover my furniture came from the streets. But, these bold decisions are  exactly what gets you ahead and helps you live virtuously. You’ll never win in poker by calling every bet. Similarly, you won’t find fulfillment in life always doing what everyone else is doing. (Breathing is a rare exception, however. Keep doing that.)

If you’re going through life trying to make six figures, date a model, drive a Ferrari, have washboard abs, have a washing machine so you can stop futilely rubbing your wet clothes on your tummy, earn the executive-level job you’ve always wanted, be famous, or hide your undeniable love for Beverly Hills Chihuahua II: You’re Seriously Paying to Watch This?, have you thought about what happens after you achieve those goals? Will you live happily ever after?

Happiness is a temporary emotion, not a lifelong destination. Having money, status, and a secret soft spot for talking canine comedies doesn’t solve your problems. They mask them. You’ll always have problems to confront. Nobody can outrun their problems forever.

DON’T GO CHASIN’ WATERFALLS

“Ahhhh, why did I do this to myself yet again?”

Struggling to deal with our problems can bring out negative emotions. Because humans have the blessing and curse of metacognition, we tend to  fixate on our negative emotions and feel even worse. I recently waited until the last minute to begin writing two arduous, 10-page final papers that were both due the same weekend. I felt angry and guilty that I waited so long to begin such an important and time-consuming task, especially after reminding myself repeatedly that I should get started. But, I did nothing.

All these negative thoughts didn’t make me more productive. I started wondering why I was so angry and so guilty. This distraction just made me feel even angrier and more guilty as precious moments of potential productivity ticked away.

As if the final paper assignments weren’t challenging enough, the negative emotions poured on me like a waterfall.

The more I wanted to submit my papers, the worse I felt about my pathetic lack of progress. I questioned whether I belonged in my graduate program, how I could be so irresponsible, if I was even a good writer, and if I could meet just one stinking deadline.

It was a fiery feedback loop from hell, as our friend Mark Manson call it. The author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, says the only way to escape this death cycle is to accept your predicament and move on. “My final paper may not be Shakespeare-quality writing and might be late? So what. My tears won’t write this paper any faster than my fingers.”

SOMETIMES LOVE DON’T FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD. YOU MAKE IT HURT SO GOOD.

This was supposed to be a blog post about kindness. It’s not obvious, but self-kindness is the ultimate form of kindness. Stay with me here. Kindness can serve us wrong if we run away from our problems rather than confronting them.

I have this friend named Noah who is truly an amazing guy. He’s there for me offering logical advice and a comforting sense of humor whenever times get tough. Yet, Noah rarely treats himself as kindly as he treats people close to him. As a result, he’s there for me, but neglects his own needs.

Plot twist! Noah is me. Whaaaat? #TotalMindReset I don’t even have any close friends named Noah. We need to put out the fires in our own lives before addressing foreign fires that may not even be worth putting out. I’m certainly guilty of helping others deal with their problems to escape my own.

It may sound scary to confront our problems, but we can experience incredible happiness by solving them. That’s why we feel happy when we help solve other people’s problems. We all aim to achieve happiness in life, however we define it. Rarely do we quantify happiness by things that are not material. Even more rarely do we consider what pain we’re willing to endure in life to struggle toward achieving what matters most to us. We’ll never be problem free. Solving the right problems are worth struggling for over and over.

Everything worthwhile in life requires some degree of struggle. Nobody is successful at their job without working hard, studying, and being patient. Having the body of your dreams requires sacrifice, too. We have to turn down a sedentary life of leisure and unhealthy foods you love.

Love is messy, too. Falling in head over heels for the partner of your dreams often involves them loving you, too, a rollercoaster of ups and downs, difficult conversations, infuriating arguments, hurt feelings, awkward pauses, and the potential for failure and rejection that comes with it. You won’t find true love “liking” everyone who crosses your iPhone screen.

Nevertheless, these challenges can build character add meaning to our lives.

Being unwilling to fail essentially means you’re unwilling to succeed. Avoiding any problem you encounter may cause you to miss out on a fulfilling life, too. As German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche put it, a person who “has a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any ‘how.’”

HELP YO’SELF

You’re the only one who matters because constantly comparing yourself to others is the often the root of your unhappiness.

People experiencing low self-esteem likely either have the cocky mentality that everyone sucks besides themselves, or a victimized identity that they themselves suck while everyone else is living their best lives. Both types of people constantly compare themselves to the person next to them, rather than the person in the mirror.

Don’t be so self-absorbed that you never think about anyone besides yourself. But pour some water in your own glass before you start pouring water for everyone else. Otherwise, you’ll faint from dehydration and everyone will leave negative Yelp! reviews for your subpar service. The amount of water you need doesn’t have to be more or less than others in need of water. It just needs to be the right amount for you. Drink up!

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